“Congrats! You’re a mother now!” said my relative. Little did she know that it was the start of my nightmare.

I was married in November 2008 and found out that I was pregnant in January 2009. I was upset because I did not want to be a mother so soon. My gynaecologist told me that I had to stop taking my antidepressant – Lexapro – because it was harmful to my baby.

I was referred to a psychiatrist, Dr Helen Chen, who specialised in treating depressed pregnant women. I was then prescribed another medication. Initially, I was reluctant to take the medication because I was afraid that it might harm my baby. However, with much assurance and counseling from both my doctor and case manager, Roshayati, I heeded their advice and took it. At the back of my mind, I was still worried how my baby would turn out. Images of deformed babies, Down syndrome babies were constantly playing in my mind!

My pregnancy journey was filled with fear, worry, guilt and misery. I felt that I had not done my best for my baby. That it was most unfortunate for her to be in my womb because I needed to be on medication. On top of that, I had stopped working but that did not help because I had no distraction whatsoever to keep me from having bad thoughts. My only solace was crying, temper tantrums and quarrelling with my husband.

During my third trimester, I could not take it anymore and told my doctor that I wanted a Caesarean delivery immediately to get the baby out. I was then only at week 37, both my doctor and the case manager were very patient with me and explained that the baby will be slightly premature if I had the early delivery and may be difficult to care for later on. They advised my husband to admit me immediately should I say things like “cut myself,” “cannot take it anymore” or “I want to die.” Everyday, the case manager would call to check on me. She was always there and journeyed with me to my delivery.

My baby was finally delivered via Caesarean, as she was overdue. When I set my eyes on her, I immediately fell in love with her. She was this tiny creature wrapped in a pink blanket with her eyes closed. My first words to her were, “Hi, my sweetheart.” It was nothing like I ever imaged. She was a healthy, normal baby weighing at 3kg.

I would never have been able to make it through that difficult pregnancy without the love, support and encouragement of my church friends and family members. They lifted me in prayers and constantly visited me to encourage my husband and me. Furthermore, I have an understanding father-in-law who took care of me when my husband was working.

Yes, it was the most difficult thing that happened to me but also the most wonderful thing because now, I have a beautiful baby in my arms. She is the joy and hope in my life!