Loneliness.
Since young, the fear of loneliness constantly plagues me.
Ridiculous as it sounds, I would be fearful that my parents, siblings get into
all sorts of accidents, car crash, getting robbed, plane crash, you name it. My
overworked imagination will start churning…
My fear of being alone extends to even in school. I would be
happy if there were friends around me during recess time and will feel
immensely insecure without them. My nightmares would consist of friends not
wanting to ‘friend’ me. My thinking then was, if you are alone, you are odd,
you stick out in the crowd and everyone will notice it…
Walking in the dark alone was terrifying. I would always ask
for family members to accompany me to venture into any of the spaces within my
own house at night. I would imagine ghosts lurking in every corner of the
rooms; phantoms, monsters, spiders, snakes etc.
The walk in the dark stretches out, seemingly endless. Yet,
the mere presence of someone next to you brings comfort, relief and distracts
me from the heart-pounding trepidation that creeps up. Though all that, only to
get a cup of water from the kitchen just few metres away!
Years later, I am able to walk alone in the dark, albeit a familiar place… if not, leaving a
trail of lights
The lesson I’ve learnt is that the fear, hesitation will
always be there because what is ahead is always unknown. I may be groping in
the dark, stumbling along but I know what matters will be the company. Because
there is still the support from kinships, friendships that soothes me
throughout a difficult journey.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don't walk in front of me, I may not
follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Unknown,
(often attributed to Albert Camus)